In Australia the blended family will soon become the predominant family type; over taking the traditional nuclear family. As the divorce rate continues to be high the reconfiguring of families into blended or step families will gradually increase.

This relatively new development in family structure produces its own set of challenges and difficulties, which are not always easy to overcome. This is reflected in stats showing that blended families have a 50-60% chance of breaking down in divorce or separation.

A family can be viewed as a system in which each member of the family is an integral part of that system that is mutually influencing other parts of the system. The metaphor used to describe this phenomenon is the pebble that’s dropped into a pond creating ripples that spread throughout the pond. Likewise, a family members’ actions send ripples through the family structure. When multiple pebbles are dropped into a pond the resulting ripples form complex wave patterns. Similarly, there will be multiple influences in a family system creating complex family dynamics and patterns.

Family Therapy hypothesises that family structures will have sub systems within the main unit, such as one family member having a closer relationship with another member of the family or a son is valued more than a daughter. In addition, these subsystems form hierarchies, for example, parents having more authority and power in decision making with respect to their children. Embedded with subsystems and hierarchies families will have their own set of values and traditions that are governed through family lines or the society they are live in. For instance, one family may have a strong religious orientation, which place a high value on spiritual observances and traditions. Whereas another has a more secular approach that see individual choice as a measure of value. Other factors that influence family systems are communication, boundaries and flexibility.

For blended families these factors are just as prevalent, but they can become more complicated because step or blended families have different dynamics to cope with. This is particularly prevalent with the challenges of non biological adults re-partnering with someone who has children or each adult brings their own children into the family configuration. In biological families there is a natural connection between parents, their children and the broader family of grandparents, aunts and uncles etc. Whereas this is much less likely the case with blended families that have to negotiate new sub systems, hierarchies, rules and values.
The possible challenges that face blended families could be:

• Biological parent having an expectation that their children will instantly love and adore the new step-parent.
  
• New step families may trigger the loss of the previous relationship.
  
• The children resenting their new circumstances and rejecting the step-parent.
  
• Biological parents experiencing guilt about their children having to experience the breakdown of the biological family.
  
• Negotiating different values between family members which can result in misunderstandings, miscommunications, friction and arguments.
  
• Step parents experiencing rejection from their partner’s children.
  
• If both adults bring children into the relationship then the children maybe at different developmental stages such as one parent may have teenagers, whereas the other has children under 10.
  
• Dealing with the ex-partner and possibly their new family and negotiating shared care, finances etc, which is further exacerbated if there is ongoing conflict between the separated parents.
  

 
The above list is just a snap shot of the possible difficulties faced by blended families. However, with proper attention, work, commitment, communication and support the mine field of traversing the step family journey can be achieved, so the potential of the new family configuration can come to fruition.

If you require support for this journey then please contact one of our therapists at Counselling and Psychotherapy.

Hope this day finds you well.
Counselling and Psychotherapy Team  

The title of the blog, if you hadn’t already guessed, isn’t referring to the clinky cubes we put our drinks, rather, the drug that’s reaching epidemic proportions in our community. Methamphetamine, commonly known as ice, but also called shard, meth, glass, crystal, shabu and tina (street names) is causing plenty of problems.

Ice is the pure form of methamphetamine, so it is more powerful in its effects than its cousin speed (amphetamine). These drugs are in the stimulant family of psychoactive substances producing feelings of euphoria, increased confidence, more energy, increased alertness and concentration. It’s important to note that the effects of any drug will vary from person to person depending on the individual’s size, weight and height and whether the person has taken the drug previously or for the first time.

The aim behind this blog is not to cast any judgement about people’s choice and how they use their recreational time, but express the consequences of what I’m seeing when I meet people with ice dependency and the problems it has caused in their lives, as well as, the individuals who have a family member taking ice. Added to this is the anecdotal information I’m hearing from the same client’s about its wide spread use through the community and its impact on individuals and families. I have to be careful about being over dramatic, but I have this concern that those who are seeking support regarding ice use now represent only the tip of the iceberg (no pun intended!).

As the consequences of this drug become more deeply entrenched the rippling effect of family fracture, loss of employment, it’s impact on children, consequences on mental health, personality changes and violence look likely to increase.Ice is not just the domain of young people but seems to be crossing all social boundaries, whether that’s blue or white collar, skilled or unskilled, due to its easy availability and relative low cost.

The potential long term effects and consequences of using ice are:

v  Physical health:
·         Malnutrition and rapid weight loss due to reduced appetite.
·         Chronic sleep problems
·         Increased risk of infections due not eating and sleeping adequately.
·         Increases in blood pressure and heart failure
·         Dental problems from grinding teeth.
·         Dependency
v  Mental health:
·         Drug induced psychosis.
·         Depression, anxiety, and paranoia.
·         Memory loss.
v  Psychological:
·         Aggression.
·         Irritability.
·         Brain damage (some evidence suggesting that amphetamines can damage brain cells impacting on memory and impairments in thinking).
v  Social:
·         Family breakdown.
·         Relationship problems.
·         Financial problems due to the cost of buying ice.
 
Some people are able stop taking a drug when they have determined that’s the right thing to do. However, for others this isn’t the case and ongoing substance use can lead to drug dependency. Unfortunately many parents are witnessing, and having to live with, seeing their children 'taken' by this drug as it pulls them along a path that’s paved with myriads of problems. Or it might be a partner whose social life becomes centred on ice use and the impact of their mood swings and absence on the other partner and their children as they come off the drug after weekend use.
 
If you would like to seek support because you or you know somebody who is struggling with problematic ice use, or any drug for that matter, then please contact one of us at Counselling and Psychotherapy.
 
May this day find you well.
Rob

To continue on from previous blog regarding strategies to assist with anxiety:
 
A more challenging technique to build anxiety tolerance is the exposure method which entails facing the fear more head on. This method involves experiencing and being with the place, person or event that’s generating the anxiety in the first place. This is done in a graded way so the exposure isn’t too overwhelming, which would be counter productive, but rather an attempt to be with the anxiety on ones edge. What does it means to be on the edge? It’s that place where the anxiety is felt, but at a level that is manageable. This serves two purposes, one to build tolerance and capacity for the feeling of anxiety and secondly to recognise that the thoughts associated with the fear may not be true or are exaggerated.
 
For example, someone may have a fear of going into shopping centres - the mere idea of going there elicits panic. Important to note that in this example before the exposure method can be tried there should be work done in building capacity to hold anxiety such as those ideas mentioned in the previous blog. So the first step using the exposure method might to just walk by a shopping centre and determine how that feels – is it too much, not enough or on the edge. If it’s on the edge then you can repeat the exercise until the anxiety feels well managed. Then you increase the exposure some more, maybe walk inside the shopping centre, again determining the level of anxiety felt and repeat as required. Keep increasing the exposure step by step to the point where the circumstance that generated the anxiety are reduced significantly or it’s no longer as activating.

Ideally this method is accompanied by parallel work with a counsellor or therapist to bring understanding to the root cause/s of the anxiety itself, especially for those whose experience doesn't have a rational explanation.

Other helpful suggestions for anxiety are watching your thought processes and reframing them into a more supportive framework. For instance, a reframe for a thought that is repeatedly saying you can’t do something can changed to “I know this is difficult but I have done similar things before” or “I can stay here for a bit longer and soon I’ll be safe”. What’s helpful with this cognitive processes is the deep breathing which complement and support the active process of changing your thoughts. Other self talk affirmations can be: “This feeling will pass”, “I can get through this” or “I am safe right now”.

If you drink a lot of coffee this may not be beneficial if you have anxiety as caffeine stimulates the nervous system therefore compounding the heightened response that anxiety is already inducing. Drinking water or alternatives such as herbal teas are more useful to relax the nervous system. Improving one’s diet and exercising are additional ways to support anxiety as there is evidence linking mental health and diet, and the benefits of improved mental health with exercise.

Please feel free to contact one of our therapists if anxiety is causing significant issues in your life.

May this day find you well.

The Counselling and Psychotherapy Team

 

Even though anxiety is a normal experience to have, for some it can be challenging and problematic, so having various tools to help manage this feeling is beneficial. The ideas given below can be used individually, or more likely, in combination, to help work effectively with managing anxiety.

The first port of call with anxiety, in fact any feeling, is to acknowledge to oneself that its okay to have this emotion as it is easy to have a negative judgement about it and then try to push the anxiety aside through various avoidance strategies. Obviously there are times when any feeling is too much and taking a break through distraction is completely fine. However, persistent avoidance doesn’t solve the problem and probably only makes it worse in the long run. What we resist will persist, so cultivating our capacity to allow anxiety to have its day, so to speak, fosters our ability to tolerate difficult feelings like anxiety and fear. Resisting anxiety only increases its intensity and its hold on us, whereas allowing this feeling diminishes its potency. The technique that is effective in building tolerance for anxiety is mindfulness. The aim of mindfulness is to watch the play of our thoughts and feelings as though you were watching a drama production unfold. Like watching theatre you observe the feeling from a distance by not judging what is occurring, but simply noticing what happens in your experience. This takes practice, but the more we use this capacity to watch feelings and thoughts the less identified we become resulting in an increased ability to tolerate.

Being mindful can help with another strategy that helps with anxiety, that is, looking at the anxiety itself and the associated thoughts, and then apply a reality check to the situation. Anxiety has a tendency to blow some situations out of proportion, so its important to ask yourself is this situation really as bad as what my head and feelings are actually saying. This doesn’t mean the anxiety will disappear, but it may lessen the actual feeling and make it more manageable. It’s important to remember that anxiety is a normal emotion and it’s job is to communicate potential danger. If this danger is exaggerated and inflated out of all proportion to reality then anxiety can increase to the point of panic.

Anxiety generally has obvious physiological components such as raising heart, clammy skin and shortness of breath, especially when panic attacks are prevalent. The tip hear is slow breathing from the abdomen. There is a clear correlation between emotional states and the breath. Longer deeper breathing cultivates relaxation in the nervous system especially when the flight fight response is activated when anxiety is present. It doesn’t matter how intense the anxiety is, whether it’s a mild fear or a full blown panic attack taking slow deep breaths can lower the intensity to more manageable levels. Again this can be done mindfully by placing the hands on the belly and slowly counting to 3 or 4 as you breath in whilst feeling the belly rise. Then repeat, counting to 3 or 4, as the breath is released and the belly flattens. Abdominal breathing is important because many people only breath from the chest which doesn’t completely fill the lungs. When someone is having a panic attack this type of breathing is particular important because it readjusts the oxygen carbon dioxide balance in the blood stream. The rapid breathing of a panic attack hyperventilates the blood stream with too much oxygen producing the physiological responses described above.  

This blog has covered a few main strategies to help cope with anxiety, which will be discussed further in the next blog.
If you feel that you would like to contact one us to explore ongoing difficulties with anxiety then please feel free to contact one of our counsellors.

May this day find you well 

Counselling and Psychotherapy Team

Anxiety is a normal emotion which occurs when feelings of worry or apprehension are experienced. When these feelings of worry or apprehension becoming consistent and ongoing there’s the possibility of a potential anxiety disorder.

There appears to be no one specific cause for anxiety but a number of possible contributors or combinations of – these being environmental, substance use, genetics, stressful events, psychological, and physical determinants.

Environmental factors are the external events and experiences that are stressful such as trauma, stress at work, accidents, financial difficulties, issues in relationships such as marriage or bullying. There isn’t a firm understanding why some people can develop anxiety from these stressful situations and others don’t. It maybe that individuals who have better internal coping strategies and access to support have an increased capacity to integrate their experience.

Substance abuse of alcohol, amphetamines, cannabis and sedatives can lead to anxiety, especially during the withdrawal effects of these drugs. When a drug is used to counter the effects of withdrawal this can further exacerbate anxiety by making it worse. In general terms, the withdrawal from a substance is usually the opposite from the effect of the drug, so when a sedative is used, which provides a calming relaxed feeling, the withdrawal can be experienced as restlessness, agitation and possibly anxiety. 

Genetics has been suggested as a contributor to anxiety. Where there’s been a family history of mental health difficulties there is an increased propensity to the possibility. Twin studies have shown where an identical twin has anxiety there is an increased likelihood the other twin can also develop anxiety. It’s important to mention that there is no certainty if mental health difficulties are prevalent in one family member or a number of family members that future generations will develop the same difficulties.

With respect to physical factors certain medical conditions can generate anxiety such as asthma, heart conditions, hormonal imbalances and infections, to name a few. Stress from chronic or acute illness can lead to anxiety issues, as can the side effects of certain medications. 

Imbalances in certain neurotransmitters in the brain can also lead to anxiety. If certain neurotransmitters are not functioning correctly there can be a breakdown in the communication pathways within the brain that can lead to misinformation, which may play a role in the development of anxiety.

Psychological factors that possibly contribute to anxiety are negative thought processes where some schools of thought have postulated that particular personality types are more prone to anxiety such as being perfectionist or there is a need for high levels of control.

In Gestalt Therapy anxiety is viewed as the flip side of excitement where excitement usually leads to embracing life. Anxiety however, can lead to getting stuck in the completion of an experience. In Gestalt we describe experience occurring as a cycle. This cycle starts when we notice something through our senses via our awareness and this leads to a mobilisation of ourselves to attend to it, which then continues via an action of some sort. From here the cycle continues to the final stages of accomplishment and integration. What can happen when anxiety is present people can get stuck between the mobilisation and action phases. Fear and worry can stop the full integration and achievement of an experience which can lead to aspects of our personalities becoming fixed and stuck in particular beliefs and ways of being with oneself and others.  

Why this happens from psychotherapy perspective can relate to someone’s history and the development of particular beliefs and core themes, such as safety issues, which are played out in the present moment. An event/s from the past that has not been fully integrated can still have repercussions in the here and now. These echo’s from the past can be experienced as a nagging apprehension or a full blown panic attack. The causative factor is probably out of awareness taking up residence in the unconscious, but still exerting its influence in day-to-day situations. This maybe the reason why some people don’t have a rational reason for feeling anxious.

If anxiety is part of your experience and you would like support please contact one of our counsellors.

May this day find you well,

Counselling and Psychotherapy. 

“Our anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strengths.” Charles H. Spurgeon

“Panic is a sudden desertion of us, and a going over to the enemy of our imagination”Christian Nevell Bovee

In Australia anxiety is the most common mental health challenge. About 14% of Australian’s in any one year will experience some form of anxiety disorder. Women are more likely then men to experience anxiety – 18% compared to 11%. For young people aged between 18-24 one in every 10 are impacted on by anxiety. It’s also worth noting that depression and substance use problems commonly occur alongside anxiety difficulties.

Anxiety is described as persistent and excessive worry, apprehension or fear about life situations. It is normal to experience these feelings in particular contexts such as a job interview or public speaking. At such times most people have the capacity to manage these emotions and complete the task at hand. For some people however, anxiety can become more debilitating where its impact affects day to day living. This can range from mild anxiety which intrude in a person’s life with a persistent and vague unease to much more crippling manifestation where anxiety is experienced with panic symptoms.

Clinical mental health characterise anxiety into a number of different disorders. These are:

Generalised Anxiety Disorder where there is a chronic and persistent worry and fear about life situations that seem disproportionate to the actual event. There is usually no apparent or logical reason for the inordinate amount of fear or worry that occurs. These fears and worries interfere with daily activity such as work, school and social engagements.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) occurs when an individual has experienced or witnessed a traumatic event that results in harm such as assault, serious accidents, witnessing others being harmed or seeing the death of another. PTSD usually involves re-experiencing the event through flashbacks, which can result in avoiding people, places and events that trigger the anxiety.  

Social Anxiety Disorder as the name suggests impacts on people in social situations where anxiety is generated through fear of being judged by others or there is acute embarrassment when in public places out of fear of doing some kind of impulsive behaviour. This anxiety causes people to avoid public places and social situations resulting in normal life being curtailed.

Panic Disorder is characterised by intense anxiety that leads to panic attacks that have strong physiological responses such as shortness of breath, heart palpitations, sweating, dizziness and disorientated thinking. Panic attacks can occur in particular situations or for no apparent reason with rapid onset of symptoms that peak after 10 minutes. 

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is an anxiety disorder that describes a person who experiences thoughts or actions that are repetitive, distressing, and intrusive. This could be repetitive washing of hands or a need to read all the road signs or placing everything in certain positions or rechecking door locks. People with OCD usually understand that their behaviours are irrational but these behaviours are ways to cope with not feeling safe.

If you unfortunately find yourself experiencing anxiety and would like to seek support and assistance then please call one of our therapists.

May this day find you well 

Counselling and Psychotherapy Team

Attachment theory, which has been around for a number of decades, articulates the importance of bonding between babies and the primary care givers. Due to the vulnerability of a child in respect to its reliance on its needs being met by the care givers a secure attachment is created when the care givers are adequately attuned to meet the child’s needs. When a child feels distressed the care givers provide safety; if the child becomes ill then they are cared for; when they are hungry or thirsty, warm or cold these needs are also met. In essence, the child, through being cared for, cultivates a secure base which is internalised to provide a platform for other developmental capacities to evolve. 

A secure attachment has been shown to be an indicator for positive self esteem, better outcomes at school, greater capacity for independence and social interactions. Having a secure attachment has also been shown to promote a lower prevalence to depression and anxiety. John Bowlby, the originator of this theory on attachment, has argued that a secure attachment is responsible for shaping all future relationships; supporting our capacity to focus; our ability to self sooth and calm ourselves down; provide awareness about our feelings and our capacity to bounce back from misfortune. 

Conversely if the caregiver is insensitive to the child’s needs or is neglectful then an insecure attachment develops that has later consequences in future relationships; how they view the world and their place in it; producing problems such as anti-social behaviour, aggression and poor handling of stress. Where neglect is profound the consequences can be massive such as mental health challenges, personality disorders and substance abuse. One researcher proposed that the relationship between a person using drugs and the drug itself mirrors the security and satisfaction needs similar to those that an infant experiences with their mother. It could be argued that where babies are significantly neglected then the insecure attachment that develops is countered by the  pleasure, security and rewards that are the effects of substance use.   

This can be backed up by the research into neuro chemicals. The primary bonding hormone is oxytocin which promotes the connecting patterns between the child and the caregivers, primarily the mother. Other bonding neuro chemicals are opioids, which are natural morphine like chemicals produced between parent and child, especially during touch. These opioids produce feelings of elation between the baby and the care giver which enhance bonding. Opioids also provide pain relief which are released when the infant is experiencing either physical or emotional discomfort as they are comforted by the care giver. Another interesting aspect for babies experiencing the happy effects of opioids occurs when they are separated form their care giver, the opiod levels decrease causing some distress both physically and emotional similar to heroin withdrawal. However, alternate behaviours counter their discomfort such as babies sucking their thumb to self sooth. From a psychotherapy perspective a person with challenges due to the consequences of an insecure attachment are not fixed into being a certain way ad infinitum. How  we make contact with others and the world around us can change when awareness is focused on ways of being that don’t serve us. By bringing our attention onto other possibilities and then experiment with alternate behaviours different outcomes can be achieved. This allows new frontiers of experience to become part of our lives which in turn allows a different choice to be made according to the circumstances. For example, an angry or aggressive person maybe using these emotions as a defence because their care givers weren’t adequate in their response to their needs as a child. This anger may cover a deep hurt and sense of rejection which is hidden by pushing people away because their core belief is that their needs wont get met. From a therapeutic space by exploring the anger and aggression and providing a safe space to feel the hurt and pain of rejection this can allow the possibility that their needs can be met, which in turn facilitates a new response.  May this day find you well  Counselling and Psychotherapy team

What determines quality of life? Is it having all the material wealth that money can buy, a successful job, a roof over our heads, being in relationships with a partner and having a family. These no doubt are important and play a significant part in providing quality of life as they give security, connection to others, possibly purpose and meaning to life. But is this the whole picture. In our culture there is a strong value placed on these external achievements and if you manage to tick these boxes then you are considered successful. What about the internal aspects of life that contribute to quality of life such as self esteem, contentment, happiness, unconditional love or self worth. Where do they fit into the picture of quality of life?

When this question arises I tend to think about movie stars. Not because I have some crazy envy that I wish I was in their shoes. Its rather the opposite as they are great reminders about how quality of life can get misplaced in our culture. They seemingly have everything, wealth, fame and generally beauty, but their lives are invariably very messy and don’t portray lasting contentment and inner peace. In fact they are just as human as anybody else with the messiness and challenges of life. The point I’m trying to make is that we all want to be happy and feel great about ourselves, but the emphasis has been placed too much on external achievement, outer material wealth and the way we look as the means to get to that deep lasting happiness and quality of life we so desire. A close examination of ones life may show that there is some discrepancy between the constant drive for external manifestation of things and how one feels about oneself. 

Take self esteem. Why is it that someone can have everything or have all their needs generally well met yet they have low self esteem. The paradigm of our culture has values that say that the acquisition of things will make you happy and by association  provide positive self esteem. Look at adverts. The message is nearly always have this and you too will feel this good or look this good. No doubt getting a new car or new pair of shoes does feel good for a while, but then it usually stops. The new car or new shoes may even boost our self esteem for a while but it doesn’t appear to be lasting. So what’s the answer. I believe at the very least a balanced perspective where inner qualities are cultivated and valued alongside acquisition of legitimate material needs and the right to pursue a meaningful life.

Inner quality of life can be achieved through other avenues such as psychotherapy, self growth programs, spirituality and other frameworks that explore inner domains. Obviously I’m biased, but I’m also unapologetic about spruiking psychotherapy as a means to explore the inner qualities of life as its my bread and butter so to speak. Psychotherapy is not just about addressing particular issues and problems in peoples life’s, it also has the capacity and potential to explore deeper aspects of ourselves by uncovering the barriers that hinder deeper potentials which give rise to such things as self esteem and inner well being. 

May this day find you well.

The Inner Critic – not your best friend!

In Cognitive Behavioural Therapy they use a term ‘tyranny of the should’s’ to describe a thought process that is limiting in its aim to keep us fixed in a certain position. This inner critic or inner judge is that part of our mental processes that subtly or not so subtly, depending on the situation, tells us that we are doing something wrong. Or you could say it’s an inner dialogue that keeps us in our place by constantly reminding us that we should be doing or acting in a particular way. It’s these thoughts that inform us how we should behave in certain circumstances or do particular actions in other situations.

Freud called the inner critic the Super Ego and its role is to keep us in check relative to our cultural and social context, both in the family culture and within the broader cultural norms. In a way it provided us with a conscience so we act appropriately according to the social mores that are prevalent at any one time. Obviously this serves a function and can be completely appropriate in particular contexts. However, from a psychological perspective the inner critic, inner judge or super ego, what ever you want to call it, has an insidious side that denies spontaneity, access to unused potential and ways of being that are fluid according to the interactions and circumstances occurring at any one time.

The inner critic is usually formed in early childhood and is part of the natural developmental process of children becoming autonomous. Essentially, toddlers are regulated by their parents or their care givers through instructions of the do’s and don’ts of the family home. At a certain point the young child internalises these rules and regulations so is able to self regulate their behaviour and by necessity not get into trouble! To use Gestalt speak we introject these beliefs as a way to adapt to the environment that is governed by our care givers.

Now some of these introjects are very useful like telling a child that’s its not a good idea to put their hand in a fire, but there are others that are taken on board that were necessary at the time, so the child can feel safe or get approval from their parents. but may not be useful as an adult, such as “only speak when you are spoken to”. For a child it makes perfect sense to abide by this rule as the consequences could be harsh if the rule was broken such as getting punished in some way. However, this internalised belief can hang around into adulthood keeping the individual restricted, so they may for example not voice their opinion or they may believe they have spoken when they shouldn’t have. This is where the their inner critic rears it’s tyrannical head and berates them in some way with a negative thought that is self critical or a feeling that is uncomfortable. The inner critic is very black and white in its perspective, so doesn’t adapt according to the context. Instead it’s job is to keep certain behaviours, thoughts and feelings in check for core reasons such as safety, getting approval or being noticed, to name a few. The problem is that the inner critic is out of date and doesn’t serve the purpose it once had. In essence it has become fixed.   

Its fair to say that everybody has a inner critic and just by paying attention to your own thought processes its possible to become aware of this inner voice so to speak. Most people would agree that their biggest critic are themselves as we can be very harsh on ourselves when in reality it’s not really necessary. It’s not necessary because these old beliefs are invariably out of date – they were applicable when we were children but are outmoded as adults.

If you did an experiment where you pretended that an imaginary individual personified as your inner critic and this individual was following you around all day giving you a hard time via its criticism, judgements and possibly plain nasty comments you probably wouldn’t put up with it for very long and tell it to shove off in no uncertain terms! The suggestion here is that you can do that now with your own inner critic. When you notice the judge berating you for something tell it to take a hike and see how that makes you feel. Happy inner critic flogging!

May this day find you well

Counselling and Psychotherapy Team 

“Death may be the greatest of all human blessings” Socrates

“Everyone dies – not everyone really lives” William Ross Wallace

How do you feel about death? It’s one of those areas of life that is pretty much taboo. We only have to look at our society to get a glimpse into death and ageing to get a sense of it’s no no status. Our culture is generally dominated by youth and image because in our consumer driven society youth is where the energy is and therefore the money. The problem isn’t with youth it’s how we treat those that society considers past their prime. We are regularly informed that we have an ‘ageing problem’, which almost implies that older people have gone past their sell by date and are no longer useful. At it’s worst older people are being led away to be kept out of sight and shunted away into old peoples homes so they can pass away with less fuss and bother.  

Death is the most certain thing in our lives and for most people growing old is part of that process, yet we avoid this inevitability. In Eastern cultures death is embraced in a healthier and more realistic manner where older people are more venerated for their wisdom that life has cultivated and endowed. Older people in these cultures are not shunted away, but are integrated more into their communities. Old people homes are not inherently bad as they do serve a purpose but it’s the seeming belief that older people are no longer deemed valuable which is part of our beliefs that drive our individualistic culture that perpetuates a non reverence for this stage of life. This is further compounded by the fear of death that lies at the end of this continuum of ageing.    

So why the avoidance of death and ageing? Part of the problem appears to stem, as mentioned above, from our individualistic culture that focuses a fair portion of its collective energy on youth and self image that’s centred around beauty and how we look. Having a body that inevitably grows older, gets weaker, slowly shuts down, has less energy, systematically starts to not work as well, needs more repair jobs etc and this doesn't even count the fears associated with losing our mental faculties with its worst case scenario of losing your identity via the delights of dementia or Alzheimer’s.   

The aim of this blog is not to be pessimistic about the certainty of death but highlight that bringing this topic into our awareness is a way to focus on life and from there embrace what it has to offer depending on  the context in which we live. I have read a number of times about people who have been given a  terminal diagnosis and what they went through. Once they had gone through the understandable emotional  upheaval this news brings they arrived at place of acceptance reporting that they were able to embrace life in away that’s new and vibrant. The people in these stories usually cited that they wished they had done so earlier in their life. It makes you wonder, when all is considered, that we all have a terminal diagnosis so to speak. The difference being that we don’t know when. Even though we don’t know when, what is stopping us from living fully as though this was our last moment? I’m not talking about making a bucket list and then ditching all responsibility such as family life, but rather a way of being that cultivates seeing the world with fresh eyes which acknowledges both the beauty and the horror that’s part of life.

I guess what I’m advocating  is that death can be a friend who guides us rather than an a dreaded event that is avoided at all costs. Just to be clear this is not about being morose but about being truthful and there is nothing more brutally honest than death to shake one’s foundations and reassess what’s in front of us. Contemplating one’s personal demise can cultivate a life that is more honest, grateful, that has no regrets and is ultimately loving.   

May this day find you well.

Rob