Co-dependent is a word that gets bandied around fairly regularly, especially in the context of couples, but what exactly does it mean to be co-dependent. In essence, to be co-dependent means that one’s sense of self needs to be validated by another, which means that an individual’s behaviours are focused on another person to bolster their own self-esteem. Some have called co-dependence relationship addiction where there is an over reliance on helping others as a way to achieve satisfaction. This has been succinctly described by the following statement: “if they are okay, then I’m okay”.
The term co-dependent tends to have a pejorative connotation where the negativity is usually placed on an individual who is said to be ‘co-dependent’. A Gestalt Therapy perspective holds that individuals are not islands unto themselves but are interdependent with those around them and the environment they are part of. For somebody to have ‘co-dependant’ relational characteristic they are part of a field where others support and co-create the circumstances that facilitate ‘co-dependent’ behaviours. This blog will continue to use the term ‘co-dependent’, but only for convenience sake and not as a fixed label that identifies someone as being flawed.
The term co-dependent tends to have a pejorative connotation where the negativity is usually placed on an individual who is said to be ‘co-dependent’. A Gestalt Therapy perspective holds that individuals are not islands unto themselves but are interdependent with those around them and the environment they are part of. For somebody to have ‘co-dependant’ relational characteristic they are part of a field where others support and co-create the circumstances that facilitate ‘co-dependent’ behaviours. This blog will continue to use the term ‘co-dependent’, but only for convenience sake and not as a fixed label that identifies someone as being flawed.
What Does It Look Like!
Someone who has a tendency towards co-dependency will focus their attention on helping others at the expense of their own personal needs; where pleasing others has paramount importance resulting in relegated and sacrificed self needs. It’s not that helping others is ‘bad’, on the contrary, helping others can be seen as a selfless and loving act. However, if giving to others is brought about to fulfil and maintain a sense of oneself in order to feel good then this can become problematic. Problematic, because the giving is not done from a place that doesn’t require anything in return, but rather to achieve feelings of self-worth. This can be further exacerbated if the recipient of the giving is ungrateful or takes the giving for granted, which can lead to feelings of resentment.
Co-dependent people can have excellent qualities, such as having the ability to create and maintain relationships, be emotionally astute and cultivate rapport with the most challenging people. Unfortunately, this relational capacity can be done to avoid a sense of loneliness or in order for others to love them in return.
Answering yes to the following questions may indicate a tendency towards co-dependency.
If this topic resonates with you and you would like some support then please call one of our therapists.
May this day find you well.
Counselling and Psychotherapy Team
Co-dependent people can have excellent qualities, such as having the ability to create and maintain relationships, be emotionally astute and cultivate rapport with the most challenging people. Unfortunately, this relational capacity can be done to avoid a sense of loneliness or in order for others to love them in return.
Answering yes to the following questions may indicate a tendency towards co-dependency.
- Do you find it difficult saying no to others?
- Do you feel uncomfortable receiving help and support from others?
- As a child were you the family helper.
- Is there resentment when others don’t show gratitude or appreciation for all the help you give?
- Are you sacrificing you needs for everybody else?
- When helping others do you feel more worthy?
- Conversely, if you stopped helping others do you feel guilty and worthless?
- Are you considered the dependable one?
If this topic resonates with you and you would like some support then please call one of our therapists.
May this day find you well.
Counselling and Psychotherapy Team
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