Be the change that you wish to see in the world. - Mahatma Gandhi
Changing oneself is a difficult business because it doesn’t usually happen very quickly, as it requires a certain amount of persistence and paradoxically a large dose of self-acceptance. It’s not uncommon for people to not like certain aspects of themselves, and if there is an inclination, will try to change themselves into a ‘better’ person.
Developmentally we get conditioned via our families, society and the culture we are embedded in resulting in the creation of our personality that has unique patterns of behaviour, self-images and identifications. This developmental process may result in the creation of characteristics and ways of being, which can be viewed later in life as not fitting our ideal image. These qualities such as: getting angry too quickly, not being patient, judgemental or critical of self or others, being controlling or wanting to be perfect, uncaring, lazy – the list is exhaustive as each of us will have qualities we don’t like about ourselves.
So why is it so hard to change? When we see an aspect of ourselves that we don’t like it’s not as easy as switching off a light and turning on another. We are creatures of habit and these habitual patterns are structured in our being. It’s analogous to a vinyl record. Like the imprinted grooves on a record our patterns of behaviour are imprinted within us. As the stylus follows the grooves on a record and plays a particular song, similarly, a particular stimulus or trigger from our environment sets in motion conditioned patterns of behaviour. The self-deprecating saying “acting like a broken record” sums this up quite well.
The first port of call to start the process of changing a particular aspect/behaviour is to become aware of what is disagreeable. Invariably many of our reactions, behaviours are automatic and out of awareness, so the aim is to cultivate an observing self that is able to watch what is happening internally. Learning to foster this capacity of being mindfully present allows awareness to notice our conditioned response, which in turn permits the possibility of an alternate choice. For instance, if somebody becomes angry and their usual response is to shout at the other person or worst case scenario, lash out violently, the aim is to become aware of the anger which puts a little distance between that which is watching the anger and the emotion itself. As we watch the anger we are less identified with it, which generates a sense of more internal spaciousness, which is the fertile ground that allows choice to arise. In this case not act out the anger and go for walk. Obviously this is easier said than done, but like many things it takes practice, and to use the record analogy, by repeating a new behaviour this creates a new track in the record of our being.
Developmentally we get conditioned via our families, society and the culture we are embedded in resulting in the creation of our personality that has unique patterns of behaviour, self-images and identifications. This developmental process may result in the creation of characteristics and ways of being, which can be viewed later in life as not fitting our ideal image. These qualities such as: getting angry too quickly, not being patient, judgemental or critical of self or others, being controlling or wanting to be perfect, uncaring, lazy – the list is exhaustive as each of us will have qualities we don’t like about ourselves.
So why is it so hard to change? When we see an aspect of ourselves that we don’t like it’s not as easy as switching off a light and turning on another. We are creatures of habit and these habitual patterns are structured in our being. It’s analogous to a vinyl record. Like the imprinted grooves on a record our patterns of behaviour are imprinted within us. As the stylus follows the grooves on a record and plays a particular song, similarly, a particular stimulus or trigger from our environment sets in motion conditioned patterns of behaviour. The self-deprecating saying “acting like a broken record” sums this up quite well.
The first port of call to start the process of changing a particular aspect/behaviour is to become aware of what is disagreeable. Invariably many of our reactions, behaviours are automatic and out of awareness, so the aim is to cultivate an observing self that is able to watch what is happening internally. Learning to foster this capacity of being mindfully present allows awareness to notice our conditioned response, which in turn permits the possibility of an alternate choice. For instance, if somebody becomes angry and their usual response is to shout at the other person or worst case scenario, lash out violently, the aim is to become aware of the anger which puts a little distance between that which is watching the anger and the emotion itself. As we watch the anger we are less identified with it, which generates a sense of more internal spaciousness, which is the fertile ground that allows choice to arise. In this case not act out the anger and go for walk. Obviously this is easier said than done, but like many things it takes practice, and to use the record analogy, by repeating a new behaviour this creates a new track in the record of our being.
There is another important element to the change process, that is, self-acceptance of one self as one is right now. This is somewhat contradictory to the idea of change through action. However, each is mutually complimentary to the other. Previously it was mentioned that being mindfully aware of oneself was a prerequisite to bringing choice into our awareness. To be mindfully aware requires a non-judgemental acceptance of what is, because the observing self notices without prejudice and allows all experience to be equal. It’s this non critical expanded view which facilitates the possibility of an alternate way of being. If our reactions to our environment are fixed and automatic how can alternatives arise within us if we are closed to other possibilities. Being more mindfully present creates more space within that allows alternate possibilities to emerge, which brings choice into the picture; choice between old or new behaviours. The attitude to cultivate is not to judge that part of ourselves we don’t like, but would like to change. Using the anger example, it’s important to not label the anger as bad, but rather notice that it is there and choose how you want to use the anger constructively.
May this day find you well
Counselling and Psychotherapy Team
May this day find you well
Counselling and Psychotherapy Team
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